Origami out of a Refrigerator has now been live for a month. Total views, 443 (though I don’t think that includes people ho read it solely from their e-mail subscription or Google reader).  Which I suppose isn’t bad for 30-ish days, some of which I didn’t post at all.  I don’t think Phase 1 of my promotion plans has brought in much, if any, traffic. I kinda attempted Phase 1-B today, but I don’t know if that will bring in much, either.

I had a bizarre dream last night that I was eviicted from my apartment. Bizarre in the sense of how I found out about it, within my dream – I got a phone call from some woman wanting to see the apartment that was for rent. Of course, I knew nothing about it, but Landlord had listed it on Craigslist, with my phone number, and didn’t bother telling me. I was a lot more calm about it in my dream than I think I would be in reality. I also remember thinking to myself, Well, guess I’m not going to be painting now. So now I really am reconsidering my painting plans…

I did some applying for jobs online this morning. Retail jobs. Thought it’s not like any of them will acknowledge me. I have no ego when it comes to my law degree – probably every single job I apply for is “below” it, but I don’t have a problem with it (I have a problem with being given work below my job/intelligence level when I’m actually in a job, but that’s a different story). Retail places, however, do have a problem with my law degree – the moment they see JD on my application, it hits the ol’ circular file. If I truly, truly thought it was below me, I wouldn’t have applied at all. I’m beginning to think I should put something like that in my cover letter.

I once had a director say to me, when offering me a spot in a show’s ensemble, “we think you’ll be a real rock in the chorus.” I wanted to reply, “so if I were an unreliable, shallow flake you’d be offering me a bigger part?”Because while it sounds like a compliment on the surface, when you think about it, it’s really along the lines of, you’re too good for us not to cast you, but you’re not pretty/thin enough to be a lead or major supporting character.

And that’s kinda how it’s been for me in my job search. There’s no doubt I’m more than qualified for whatever it is I’ve submitted my resume. But they find me intellectually intimidating; physically intimidating, too, if they decide to go ahead and interview me in person.

(I did accept the ensemble spot in that show. It was one of the most demeaning and demoralizing experiences I’ve ever had on stage.)

I’ve now been unemployed for over 4 months. I have absolutely no regrets about leaving my former job. But I don’t know how much more of this I can take, even beyond the lack of income and health insurance (which I haven’t had since August 2009, anyway, but it’s still an issue). My circadian rhythms have gone out of whack. When I do finally go to bed, I don’t sleep well because I don’t have anything to do that is physically or mentally exhausting enough to knock me out (emotional exhaustion has basically become my status quo). I hate being home alone all day long, with only my stuffed animals and plants for company (I lost one of the African violets, but I’ve replaced it and added a potted mum, a cyclamen, and an orchid as well). But I also hate going out, mainly because again, I’m all by myself. I feel like I get little, if any, respect from the people I love, because I can’t get and hold down a decent job. I feel like they consider me to be an impermanent part of their lies, which really saddens me because I want, no, need them to be a permanent part of my life.

I want, no, need desperately to leave the stream of warm impermanence.

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