It’s been a day that I’ve been living a certain Firefall song, and not the good parts of it, either.

I am also ashamed to admit that my preferred recording of said song is actually done by Barry Manilow.

It’s a feeling of both extreme sadness and panic, at the same time. And it seems that no amount of caffeine during the day or melatonin at night can pull me out of it. It leaves me feeling nauseous (and yes, I did use the correct term – you know damn well that I looked it up). And feeling like a horribly hot, humid day when you’re just begging for it to rain (or, in my case, cry) already, and when it finally does it’s just a teeny little cloud burst that doesn’t really help in any way whatsoever. And absolutely nothing distracts me from it, either – television, knitting, reading, killer sudoku. And I don’t eat (due to the nausea), but the resulting low blood sugar probably doesn’t help any.

Part of it…hell, all of it, really…is due to the usual things. But they just hit me harder than, well, usual. Two weeks ago marked one full year that I’ve been unemployed. I saw a psychic and had a tarot card reading last week, and she told me that I probably wouldn’t have a new job until the end of the summer.  Which I know really isn’t all that far away. But to me…it is. If there really is a light at the end of the tunnel, I’m not seeing anything, at least not yet (is this because I’m nearsighted? Would I be able to see it if I had LASIK?).

And I’ve been looking at pictures of Stewie (I have a bunch saved on my hard drive/phone/iPod, plus The Mom just sent me a few prints). He is freaking adorable, and The Mom tells me that he’s very cuddly and loves to be held. I’ve pretty much accepted that I most probably won’t be having kids of my own. But I still need someone to hug.

And now…I have smoked salmon, what I assume to be bad bagels (I bought them at Shaw’s – I was too lazy to trek across Mass Ave. to Bruegger’s yesterday), and cream cheese that hopefully hasn’t gone bad (it’s never been opened, but I have had it awhile), so maybe I’ll try to go force down some food.

 

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