Promise me you won’t stop reading my blog/stop being my friend/disown me/whatever when you read this.

Promise me!!

Okay…here is my confession of the day:

I don’t ‘get’ bacon.

Not only do I not ‘get’ it…I can honestly say that I don’t even really like it.

Hey!! Come back here!! You promised!!

I don’t absolutely hate it, they way I hate other things (like cherries. Or the BloSox…no, wait – I think I actually hate cherries more than I hate the BloSox. But let’s add Sandra Lee to this list). I don’t mind it as an ingredient. There are probably three ways and only three ways in which you will see me willingly and voluntarily eat bacon: on a breakfast sandwich (and I have had a yen for McDonald’s Bacon, Egg and Cheese Biscuit lately), on a cheeseburger, or wrapped around shrimp or scallops.

Go to breakfast with me sometime. When asked about what I want on the side of my pancakes or ham and cheese omelet, I will order sausage. I basically do not eat bacon on its own.

Mainly, I just don’t like the flavor. I don’t much care for smoked/cured meats at all.  Or salt (I don’t even like potato chips all that much). And I especially don’t like it crisp – what, pray tell, is the point of eating shards of hardened fat?

Nor do I like the smell – you know how there’s different kinds of bacon smells? There’s the freshly-cooked bacon smell, which isn’t that bad (though still not something to make my mouth water). And then there’s the over-powering, Eau de Bac-Os stench; as somebody really did distill bacon bits to an absolutely nauseating aroma. Once in fifth grade I had to spend 45 minutes on a bus that smelled like that. I was never so glad to see school as I was on that morning.

(I’m also reminded of that day every time I see the first scene with Officer Koharski in Wayne’s World)

So I just don’t get why bacon has so much appeal to the masses. Bacon Air Freshener?  Bacon-flavored anything? Why? Bacon chocolate bars? Why, why, WHY would you ruin chocolate like that? Sure, I (sorta) get the appeal of chocolate/sweet + salt, but there are so much better ways to go about it! (Like dunking french fries into a chocolate milkshake) Bacon salt? I think I’m going to throw up.

I have no apologies, America.

I. Don’t. Like. Bacon.